 The winds of change are blowing and I felt a strong blast last weekend. I can't say it didn't make me sad. Call it a paradigm shift, a parenting style adjustment, or even a process of letting go (slightly?). See CJ in the back? This was last Saturday's body jammin' demo class. He went through the process of getting ready for the class, even changed shoes and then...decided not to join the class altogether when they started the warm-up exercises. I had to stop myself from "running" to him and finding out what was wrong. I had to stop myself from reminding him to "never say never" and compel him to give something a try. I just let him be like that for the entire hour. Although I'll be a hypocrite if I say it didn't bother me at all. I was alternating between seething anger, confusion, sadness, disbelief and had to make a conscious effort to apply self-control. He said, "Mama, I don't want to dance." and I simply said, "It's ok. That's your decision." When asked later why he just stopped he said, "Because there are girly moves!". Ok, so we're battling gender bias now??? I've done my best to steer him away from such roads but why this? Ed's initial reaction was, "that's just an excuse!" I am baffled. I don't know what to think or do sometimes. Music and Dance do not come naturally to him. It's only in the past year when he got interested in it. So I'm the most excited amongst everyone to have all these music and dance classes here at Kids Ahoy. My goal is for him to be at least comfortable moving his body and to help him appreciate other people's kinesthetic abilities. Just when you think you know, you realize you don't know anything at all. I have my theories of course. First, am I overreacting? That seems to be a plausible explanation if I want to ignore the fact that the past month, he has been showing similar behavior. But just maybe it's his way of telling me to stop planning his life for him? After we have given him various opportunities to experience new things, he has certainly earned the right to make his own choices from hereon. He's turning 8 in less than three months and change is bound to happen. Like other kids, I also want to see him figuratively fight for what he wants. His options were always squarely laid out for him so it's now the best time for him to figure out what he wants and to learn how to go after those wants. We had a two-hour heart-to-heart talk the following morning. Both child and parent were in tears throughout. If we were not serious, it was almost comedic the way we were. Both had the best intentions for each other although both realized change is inevitable. The older of the two, inspite of the little hurt & sadness felt, learned how to separate heart from mind, distinguish emotions from facts. Fact is, this road is a path worth taking. Fact is, my son is growing up and he needs to learn how to fight for what he wants in life after considering all options. He tearfully said, "But Mama, will you tell me what things are gonna happen so I'll know what my choices are?". I said, "You know many things will happen. If you want to know, express interest, find out what you can and tell me." I added, "I will always be here for you. No matter your choices or their consequences, I will be here to respect, love and support you." Real world is like that isn't it? As adults, we long for the days when we were kids and life was simpler because someone was always there to guide us along. There are times when we wish that everything is laid out in a way that made sense and that there's someone to tell us what to do amidst all the confusion and chaos happening in our daily lives. But the truth is, most of the time, we are on our own, making small and big decisions about everything, taking responsibility for every action and facing consequences for our choices. Our children's road to independence is replete with hard choices and the thing is, we're just at the beginning of it all. We are literally at a crossroads and the choices do not include going back to how things used to be. Parenting is a constant challenge. We learn and yes, un-learn many things each day. We, too are called upon to make the right choices. It's difficult, painful at times, rewarding and frustrating, too. Our children depend on our willingness to bend a mile, to reach out, to guide, to push, to step back, to embrace and at the same time, to let go. Figuring out the right time to do any of these is the most challenging of all because no one provided us with a manual complete with all the answers we seek. The winds of change are constantly blowing and my parenting adventures continue. ============= by Mommy J. ============= 
Share your own stories and experiences. Remember that the more you share, the more you will also learn. If you'd prefer to email your comments or reactions, pls email momsahoy@yahoo.com =============   | very nicely written article :) |
 | geeezz! what can i say? is it now the stage that he is gradually learning to decide on his own? i mean, he has been independent ever since but this particular behavior made an impact on you. i am moved by the way CJ asked you if are you gonna tell him what would happen next so he can make a choice..that means he still needs your guidance and assistance, and likes to know what the implications would be if he is to make a choice..and at the end of the day, you will still help him make his choice..it's just a different approach, you know CJ is such an intelligent boy and providing him with choices will assure him of a better decision...dont let go..it is not yet time..i salute you for being such a wonder mom, and why do you always make by tearduct active, i am becoming a drama queen already hehehe..goodluck to you in facing another challenge of parenting..hugzz and mwahzz!! |
 | I myself was surprised when he suddenly backed out on the dance class. I thought he was up and ready after he agreed with me that he will try dancing. After class when I asked him if he would try again the next time, he said he would. I hope he would.
CJ's actually lucky to be given the choice of what he wants to do. When I was his age, I don't think I really got to do what I wanted. Change is really a permanent thing in this world. Or maybe he wants to venture into the things you want for him but he's not ready yet. Time will tell. :)
I bet whatever CJ chooses to do, he will do it to make you more proud and happy. :D |
 | Thanks for this article. I needed this advice to better understand my 9 and 7 year old girls. It's very difficult to practice "letting go" especially to a mom like me.
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 | kidsahoy wrote on Feb 10, '09, edited on Feb 10, '09  After class when I asked him if he would try again the next time, he said he would. I hope he would.  I hope so Teacher Megs. He told me he changed his mind and that he'll join next time. I'm banking on the fact that he thrives on a certain degree of "pressure". What child wouldn't want to make his parents proud right?
My only concern is...he's so used to always be given options and second chances. What if I'm not around? The realities of life creeps in, there are times when one has to grab opportunities before him right? Choices will not always be plenty, know what I mean?
When it was time to perform the guitar piece he practiced with his teachers Kakoy & Gareth last December, he backed out on that one, too. He got disoriented because prior to that performance, he had to accompany his BFF in a musical storytelling and he stopped because it wasn't something he knew the day before. After the event, I told him there are times in life where he has to suck it in, that no matter how unexpected things may be, he needs to "wing it", move past it. I told him, there will be times when he will need to prove that all that we do for him is appreciated and valued by him. The "never say never" worked the past year but after he has followed that rule last year, will it still work this year?
That kind of pushing drove him to take guitar seriously. Thanks to Teacher Thea, after only 3 weeks of guitar lessons, he is doing well, even beyond my expectations. He is reading notes and seems to be loving the experience as well. What if I didn't push? Guitar is now proudly in the list of things he loves to do.
The question goes back to...when to push & when to step back? In the guitar situation, I even itemized to him the cost of the lessons, the brand new guitar, the effort of teachers to prepare him, etc. So he knows that at some point, after receiving some things (a lot actually), he also needs to give back a little. He can't just make up certain excuses like "I'm shy" to get out of things he said he was going to do...
balancing act...juggling skills ang kailangan. every day, new issues to handle heheheh |
 | Oh Joanne, how many times have we said that age 7 is such a milestone in so many ways. To think that CJ is actually just a few weeks away from turning 8, right? You had a good talk with him, maybe what both of you needed -- a timely levelling-off on where either of you stand.
I hope you feel better...? :)
On CJ's end, I think he needed to hear that from you -- the constant pride, love and support no matter what he chose to do. Now he knows that he can make a choice for himself confidently; to join or not to join, without having to bury his head in his lap. Yup, he's defining himself a lot more now.
From my experience, the most we can do is to expose our kids to as many interesting things as we can find, and to provide as many options to them as we can manage. I think the ages 2-7 are the 'dabble' years, when they're game enough to try almost anything for a while. Then, like a unique magnet that's neither 100% like Mom nor 100% like Dad, what they find valuable to them will stick, and what they don't find relevant will simply fall away.
The magical thing is, because we've grounded them in our values and influenced them with our vision, what they choose to do is often never that far from what we would have wanted for them ourselves. Except this time, the decision is theirs and that goes a long way in making them happy, confident and productive little people. :D
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| When will you ever let go of your child?". I answered, "Like never?" heheheh But I believe at this stage, letting go means easing up on my control. True, true. Maybe we'll say we're letting go, and maybe for the sake of building independence we will 'create a semblance' of letting go. Personally, I doubt I ever will either. Ako nga, nung 28 years old na, may asawa at anak na, hinahanap pa rin ako ng Lolo ko pag wala ako sa bahay nang midnight. :D
At every stage, even when the kids look like they know what they're doing, there will be new things we'll want them to try. New lessons we'll want them to learn and of course the walang-kamatayang "better ways of doing things" that we can offer them by the benefit of our hindsight (plus some wisdom, hopefully).
Actually, when you think of ourselves now, when are we fully and really "grown-up" anyway? :D It just so happens that I no longer have the option, but I'm pretty sure that if my parents (even grandparents) were still around, I'd be running to them for comfort and advice every now and then. |
| kidsahoy wrote on Feb 10, '09, edited on Feb 10, '09 The magical thing is, because we've grounded them in our values and influenced them with our vision, what they choose to do is often never that far from what we would have wanted for them ourselves. Except this time, the decision is theirs and that goes a long way in making them happy, confident and productive little people. :D couldn't have said it better :=) This is the reason why I feel that it's ok (and I'm ok hehehe) to relax a little bit because I know that we did our best to keep a solid foundation from which he can launch his 8-ish adventures. Giving our kids the freedom to make their own choices (and yes, mistakes too!) should be grounded on a solid foundation. Our confidence and theirs to face the challenges ahead will depend on what we've established with them from the start.
Thanks Jen for highlighting that. It's THAT thin line we need to cross at some point.
Just wait when I, too have an teenager huh? Panibagong pakikibaka na naman yun hehehe Now I truly know what my Mom meant, "pag nagkaanak kayo, makakabawi na ako sa inyo" hehehe |
| jenagain wrote on Feb 10, '09, edited on Feb 10, '09 Just wait when I, too have an teenager huh? Panibagong pakikibaka na naman yun hehehe Now I truly know what my Mom meant, "pag nagkaanak kayo, makakabawi na ako sa inyo" hehehe You bet. Of the two, it's really the Ate who's my work-in-progress when it comes to parenting. Of course, both are since they're different people -- but with Jes, every new day is unchartered territory (as it is with you and unico hijo CJ). Tinee at least gets to benefit from a slightly more confident and experienced 'handling' already. :D
Oh, if I were to list the interests and extra-curriculars that Jessie went through, the list would be long. My only rule with her was, if you think this is something you might enjoy and gain from, give it a fair chance. To clarify, sometimes "a fair chance" meant trying it more than just once since most things have a learning curve, and she'd need to get over that first before she'd see how she really feel about things. To her credit, Jes did and we kept up our end of the bargain by not pushing things that she felt weren't definitive of her.
Part of my pride with Jessie is that she excels in some fields that are relatively foreign to the family. I remember some years ago when she said we needed to get her "cleats" and some "shin guards" -- I had to ask her to please define what those were, exactly. :D It's a new adventure for all of us, and I don't think she'd have been able to bring us there if we didn't loosen up on the reigns a bit. Sure, she somehow found her way to these interests through the path that we'd laid out for her, but not directly. It was when she decided which ones she wanted to focus on that she discovered where her passions lay -- and mostly on her own. Why else would she wake herself up on a nice weekend morning and be in the soccer field by 7am -- or play in the rain and get all muddy but still have this priceless grin on her face?
You know, I don't always get it, but I get HER. :D |
 | my son turned 7 last december 24 and i must say things have suddenly become enriching, confusing, fun, irritating...
our journey as parents will continue to be a colorful one. thank you for sharing. |
| kidsahoy wrote on Feb 11, '09, edited on Feb 11, '09 To clarify, sometimes "a fair chance" meant trying it more than just once since most things have a learning curve, and she'd need to get over that first before she'd see how she really feel about things. That's a great way of describing it Jen. This should and had been my follow-through to the "never say never" agreement with CJ. Thus far and because we do our best to really know our kids, I love hearing "Thanks for "making me try" that activity Mama. I never thought I'd like it."
hmmmm...trust me kasi hehehe
you are right too---there's the "dabble stage" which is promptly followed by..."I CHOOSE, I DECIDE..." stage. When will the "DON'T TELL ME, I ALREADY KNOW" stage be kaya? Oh my! |
| Meron pang intervening stage -- the one when they start asking "Who else will be there? Will so and so be joining too?". The activity ceases to be the sole factor and the social aspect now weighs in. Can be frustrating for well-meaning parents, haha. |
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